It's today and not yesterday

Being here is, well, really healing.

I have been working hard for years to find my way here and somehow I always thought (or maybe was conditioned to believe) that my journey would be alone.

People in my life, in my past, tried to isolate me from myself, but they did not succeed, thankfully.

I have come to realize quite profoundly that I don't want to be alone at all. In fact, it really isn't my natural state or good for me.

Some people believe that wanting to be with people and needing people is a weakness. And how many times have we heard that we can only really rely on ourselves?

I think this is false, however.

Everywhere you look people rely on other people for countless things. So many things that even a partial list is pretty awesome.

Our society is trying to convince us that people only have value if they are beautiful, skinny, popular, rich and successful--whatever all that means. All of those 'qualities' are subjective and extremely superficial.

Why I ever believed that I had more 'value' because I chose to be alone I will never know.

I definitely don't feel that way anymore.

I think this socially imposed isolation increases the severity of many mental illnesses in our culture and spirals many people into believing they are not worthy of love or understanding or even friendship.

I found out about two months ago that an old boyfriend of mine, the man that I consider my first real love, killed himself a few years ago.

I was extremely upset that he no longer exists here anymore. I think being pushed away, shunned and abused as a child caused him to perpetually feel isolated from everyone and most especially himself.

It is a tragedy because there aren't many souls like his on this earth--as I've come to realize in time.

I refuse to buy into the idea that I have to make it alone to be worthy. I wish Jon had realized that too and simply held on to someone until he felt solid again. It is today that I wish him a wonderful journey wherever he may be and I acknowledge the fact that he has taught me that being alone for the look of it is pointless and damaging and really not where I'm meant to be.

Peace and love, Jon. Peace and love.