The Journey

Yes, today is journey day!

Anger, frustration--manifestations of my ego. I suppose I could say it's the Welsh fire coursing through my veins. Ancestry certainly mustn't be denied, but the German stoicism inside me says 'Rein it in, Jackie, rein in that passion!'

How ugly an idea it is to 'control' my emotions so completely.

For most of my life I have been on a journey to discover why. Why am I getting angry and frustrated? Where is that fire coming from? And is all that fire a loss of control, as my German side so often tells me. No highs or lows, just an even keel. I find that idea so unattractive you cannot imagine!

I realize fire is a part of me.

So after I figured out the whys then I realized that not all anger and frustration are misplaced or negative. Some of it originated in growth, expansion and, well, coming into my own.

Suddenly a light bulb went on in my head--coming into my own. What would happen if my Welsh fire was also coupled with awareness? And then what would happen if my Germanic stoicism was coupled with steely resolve? Aha, suddenly a formula I can live with inside myself. The right formula for me and no one else.

People around me are suddenly dealing with a whole, integrated and centred person. I am no longer silent, reclusive or malleable. Some people don't like it. I am sure they think to themselves, 'what's up with her, she's so different, so defiant, so hard to be around now.'

That's one way of looking at it, but the real truth is I am no longer what they expect me to be. Whatever they were projecting onto me is now broken, the pattern has ended and I am now what I expect me to be--they aren't too comfortable with that.

Luckily I have realized that my life is not about anyone else. That doesn't mean I have become callous or self-absorbed actually quite the opposite, no I have become true to myself and you'd be surprised how many people aren't too comfortable with that. Well, maybe you wouldn't be surprised, but I guess at first I was.

My journey has brought me here to this place where I listen to myself first, ask myself how I feel before discussing my feelings with anyone else and trusting that I really do know what's best for me because I am the one living in my own skin--and no one else.

Before I was afraid that if I was true to myself first certain people wouldn't love me anymore.

When I decided to be true to myself despite this possibility I miraculously realized that their 'conditional love' wasn't important anyway.

Those 'conditional' people are less present in my life now, but I have found new people that want to know me for myself and don't even know what conditional means.

Ahhh, freedom to be myself with the people I truly love.

Freedom to be myself with myself.

Freedom.