It's today and not yesterday

Being here is, well, really healing.

I have been working hard for years to find my way here and somehow I always thought (or maybe was conditioned to believe) that my journey would be alone.

People in my life, in my past, tried to isolate me from myself, but they did not succeed, thankfully.

I have come to realize quite profoundly that I don't want to be alone at all. In fact, it really isn't my natural state or good for me.

Some people believe that wanting to be with people and needing people is a weakness. And how many times have we heard that we can only really rely on ourselves?

I think this is false, however.

Everywhere you look people rely on other people for countless things. So many things that even a partial list is pretty awesome.

Our society is trying to convince us that people only have value if they are beautiful, skinny, popular, rich and successful--whatever all that means. All of those 'qualities' are subjective and extremely superficial.

Why I ever believed that I had more 'value' because I chose to be alone I will never know.

I definitely don't feel that way anymore.

I think this socially imposed isolation increases the severity of many mental illnesses in our culture and spirals many people into believing they are not worthy of love or understanding or even friendship.

I found out about two months ago that an old boyfriend of mine, the man that I consider my first real love, killed himself a few years ago.

I was extremely upset that he no longer exists here anymore. I think being pushed away, shunned and abused as a child caused him to perpetually feel isolated from everyone and most especially himself.

It is a tragedy because there aren't many souls like his on this earth--as I've come to realize in time.

I refuse to buy into the idea that I have to make it alone to be worthy. I wish Jon had realized that too and simply held on to someone until he felt solid again. It is today that I wish him a wonderful journey wherever he may be and I acknowledge the fact that he has taught me that being alone for the look of it is pointless and damaging and really not where I'm meant to be.

Peace and love, Jon. Peace and love.

Birthdays...

So they say it's your birthday, well it's my birthday too...

Seriously, it really is, I swear, no joke.

It's the day that we ponder all that has come before and what is about to begin.

The next big year in our lives...hmmm...my shoulders feel heavier just thinking about it.

No, but seriously, I think we always have a tendency to wonder how that next year will unfold. "How is being 37 going to look, feel and taste," you know that sort of thing.

I'm really not worried. I know it sounds cliche and our grandparents have said it a zillion times before but with age we do gain a certain wisdom. Experience breeds a certain thoughtfulness, a certain realization that patterns unfold and that some are good and others are better left by the curb.

I am aware of my curbed debris and leave it there to dry out and certainly never multiply. The good patterns I have been embracing and they definitely hug back.

So, since it's my birthday I want to share with you an artist that I have found in one of those wonderful artist-to-artist ways, his name is 'That 1 Guy' and his song 'One' is a favourite of mine.

He represents all that I love about being an artist: Creating something out of nothing, reaching deep into your soul for inspiration, creating it because it has to be born no matter what and thrilling people with the amazing, unorthodox, wonderful, bizarre result.

I wish you all a wonderful day. My birthday spirit goes out to you all!

Getting up is really hard!

When the alarm clock went off I still felt the miasma of being woken up a few times by my cat, wondering where my dog was and why he didn't sleep next to me last night and the fact that I had to get up and make a lunch.

I am not a morning person.

I don't like being woken up before I'm ready by Aaron and Tasso saying inane things about school beginning. Enough already! Why add insult to injury--oh, yah, some people get off on doing that! Yuck!!!

So now that I'm on my second tea, my first allergy pill and am trying to psych myself up to take out my dog I'd like to say I feel more awake, but that would be a lie.

I have all sorts of great ideas about how I'd like to spend my day being super productive and creative, but I have to ooze myself back into the 'routine'--that mind-numbing, stressful, seemingly never-ending life filled with details. OK, OK, so it's maybe not that bad really, but it feels like it right now.

I'm a 'half-glass-full' kinda person so I know this complaining will all blow over pretty quick but it is on mornings like these that I remind myself how much I love the meandering, sleep in, lazy borderline boring days of summer.

Summer, I love you and I wish you were still here.

School is soon upon us!

This time of year is about buckling down and getting back to it--whatever that it may be. I've enjoyed this summer, in fact I think it has been one of my best summers ever. That makes me feel very, very optimistic about the fall!

My birthday is around the corner too and I am walking that slippery slope to my 40s. I know a lot of people find 40 a daunting number for a multitude of reasons but I am not worried about turning 40 in the least. I have three years to go until then but nonetheless my life is so much better now than when I was turning 30 that I can only watch the coming years with awe.

I think as we approach 40 we stop taking crap from people--or at least we should. We spent our childhoods being inundated with negative energy and now, as full-fledged adults, 'we're not gonna take it' (thank you Twisted Sister!).

There's something exciting and so possible about the fall. Even though the trees will soon go to sleep for another long winter our brains will be spinning with new projects, ideas and, well, fun.

There's no other word for it really. Life has become fun. Everything about it is full of wonder and magic and possibility. That's where not taking any crap comes in. If you make sure your life isn't filled with negative people and details and drama then you've got the time to have that extra cup of tea, take the dog for a leisurely walk in the woods and listen to your love late into the night.

That's really what life is all about. It's not about work and obligations and serious faces. Life is about child-like innocence, love, affection, children, family and peace--well at least mine finally is anyway!

The reality of energy

Nobody told me. I could have used a heads up or something.

As my energy shot off the scale last night my brain shut down.

I have become a conduit for the universe and the universe has a lot to tell me. Luckily I was in a soft and cozy place to crash because crash I did.

I think the universe wants me to write and work and work a lot more.

I've had a block or lack of belief in my abilities or I was hesitating or I was afraid or all of the above. Hard to describe it really but it happened and now it is over.

I have this very focused feeling inside me and once this pre-school week is over I will dig into my fall work schedule.

Write it down and make it happen.